Advice Mishaps
by Yoshia
Summary: Link tries to gather some advice on a relationship problem he is having. Unfortunately the advice he gets are not the best in the world. Prelude to Minora's Mask. Follows Link in Lorule and Eight Links.
1. Never Take Advice from Gorons

**Note: **This was actually featured in _Life with the Links_ as five chapters... this time there will be less of them. If you have already read these there, then just review the last, new chapter.

**Note 2: **If you have not read _Link in Lorule_ and _Eight Links_ then this will make absolutely no sense whatsoever to you. Please go and read them. If you absolutely refuse to read that many chapters, then please read the beginning to _Life with the Links - _all will be explained there.

**Disclaimer: **I'm not related to Miyamoto, unfortunately, therefore I don't own anybody here. Except for Linda. Yep.**  
**

**Never Take Advice from a Goron**

Link was doing his best to ignore. Unfortunately, that seemed to encourage her to talk more! He watched the clouds roll by as Linda chatted his pointed ears off, constantly barraging him with questions. He never bothered to answer them of course. Both doing nothing and answering her questions seemed to have the same effect: she kept talking. Even Navi wasn't this bad.

Later that day, Link, free from the suddenly-conversational Linda, walked over to Dark. The latter was sitting on a log, reading some sort of magazine. Link guessed that it had something to do with women, Dark's favorite subject currently, so that would help somewhat. Link sat down next to the shadow and asked, "What are you reading?"

Dark jumped slightly, "Whoa! I didn't see you coming. I'm reading... a magazine."

"I know that. Which one?"

"You wouldn't care anyway, would you?"

"Good point," Link said. "Anyway, I need your help."

Dark's red orbs that were supposed to be eyes lit up. "Really? That's a change. Usually I'm in the way."

"It's about Linda," Link clarified.

Dark chuckled, "Is she getting on your nerves still? I wonder when she will give up."

"That's exactly it! I want her to quit chasing me all over the place, bugging me with all this 'romance' stuff when I don't care!" Link scowled. "My usual 'Idiot Mode' isn't working anymore. I need a plan to throw her off, to get her to leave me alone."

Dark considered. "Have you tried ignoring her?"

"Tried today. Didn't work. She kept talking, and talking, and _talking_!"

"Acting as if she's the most interesting person in the world? Maybe the extra attention would turn her off."

"That was last week. That made the situation worse."

Dark thumbed through the pages of his magazine thoughtfully. "I guess you'll have to be direct then."

"Huh?"

"You have to tell her up front, exactly what you think and how you feel. Say that you don't like her, you'll never care about her the way she wants you too, everything. That should get her to leave you alone."

"But..." Link's face twisted in thought. It could theoretically work. Telling her up front might get her to realize that all of her efforts were in vain. "But, wouldn't that hurt her feelings?"

"That's the point. She would realize you plan to be a bachelor for life, and then she can move on. Maybe she'd find somebody else to flirt with... someone like me," Dark said, grinning.

Link huffed. That was predictable. Ever since Dark started showing an interest in women, he had been trying to win Linda's affection. The problem with that was, just like everything else Dark had shown interest in, this was most likely just a phase that he's going through. Like the porn, videogaming, television, cross-dressing. Link shuddered at the last one. Hopefully Dark will never do that again.

The subject of Link's thoughts interrupted them when he resumed reading an article in the magazine and asked, "So, are you going to tell her directly?"

Link's chain of thoughts having been broken, he nodded. "Yeah, that should work."

**Meanwhile...**

Linda was outside of Kokiri Village, pacing near to the rock-hard imitation of Link that was named Goron. She was deep in thought, trying to figure out exactly what went wrong this morning, why Link didn't respond to her chatting. Unfortunately, it is hard to find good advisors these days that did not want a fortune, and the kids of the village would not be helpful. Linda did not want to run the risk of running into Link before getting some sort of advice from someone, so she walked outside, discovering Goron, who was gathering rocks and arranging them in strange ways.

"Goron?" she ventured.

The... mentally challenged hunk of living rock grunted and kept moving the rocks around.

Assuming the grunt to be acknowlegement, Linda continued. "Goron, I don't know what I'm going to do. I think I've tried everything! I've tried talking more to him in all kinds of ways. I tried getting us alone as much as possible so he could have time to get to know me better. I even tried flirting with him in the most obvious ways... and not so obvious ways. What should I do?"

Goron grunted again, picked up a rock, inspected it carefully, gnawed at it a little, examined it some more, then placed it apart from some other groupings.

"I'm not sure what to think about Link anymore. I like him, sure, but I can't tell whether he's really an idiot like you - no offense - or if he's just pretending! He is so confusing - like last week, Link was giving me all this attention, it felt like he actually wanted to be with me. I _loved_ it! After two days of that he suddenly distanced himself again. Just today he wasn't listening when I was talking to him about everything - even confessing that I really liked him. What is with him?"

Goron made some strange noise as he picked up the same rock and quizzically stared at it, as if he hadn't heard a thing Linda had said.

Linda brightened all of a sudden, "That's it! I'll give him back exactly what he gave me! I will ignore him all day today and tomorrow. Maybe then he will finally realize how much he really needs my attention! Thanks Goron!" She skipped away, back to the village.

Goron looked up, "You're welcome?" The thanks was all he had heard. He was too busy sorting the rocks by composition to hear anything at all. He returned to attempting to place the one he was holding. It was the most puzzling thing he had ever seen.

**The next day...**

Link woke up, stretching in his bed before opening his eyes to the sunrise. When he finally did, he yelped. Dark was standing over him, smiling. "Morning!"

Link feigned a punch, "You nearly gave me a heart attack!" He sat up, straightening the tunic he had especially for sleeping.

Dark chuckled, "So, are you going to tell Linda off today?"

Link nodded as he got out of bed. "Yeah, yeah. I couldn't sleep much last night; I kept thinking about all the different ways to tell her."

Dark shrugged. "It'll come naturally to you. Just tell her and leave before she punches you."

"Or runs me through," Link added. "She doesn't have a sword for nothing." He changed instantly into his familiar green suit.

"True. Might want to have your shield out just in case then." Dark and Link joined Oni and Junior at the table to eat breakfast, then Link went out to confront Linda.

**At Linda's home...**

The female Link stared herself down in the mirror. She had avoided Link completely the day before, but today would be different. Link could approach and say anything he wanted, but she would ignore him. Not even hear a word he would say. That's right. She could do this. Don't even respond with a hello or a good morning. She jumped and nearly knocked the mirror to the ground when a someone knocked her door.

Of course, there were no doorbells in Hyrule.

Linda walked over to her front door and opened it. To her dismay, it was Link. "Linda," he began, but she promptly turned and walked away from him.

So far so good.

Link blinked in surprise. This was unexpected. He followed after her, "Hey, I gotta talk to you!" Linda was making herself a sandwich in the kitchen, so Link walked up and tried again. "Linda."

The woman finished making the sandwich and stuck a corner in her mouth, biting off a chunk as she walked out of the kitchen and through the front door.

Link continued to follow her, "Hey! Linda! Will you just stop and listen to me?"

Linda kept eating and walking. This was fairly easy right now.

**At Link's treehouse...**

Dark stood on Link's porch, watching as Linda polished her shield and sword and Link stumbled his way through some sort of confession of his disinterest. It was apparent that Linda wasn't listening. She kept polishing despite all that Link was saying, humming a tune.

Oni walked up and stood next to Dark. "How much you want to bet on this?" he asked.

Dark chuckled, "I bet fifty rupees that Linda will crack. She's too easy."

"I bet you five hundred that Link will give up."

"You're on."

**Back to Link and Linda!**

Linda smirked. Her plan seemed to be working. Link had been dogging her for half a day now, constantly trying to get her attention and tell her something. At the moment his words were a blur, mostly because she was focusing on polishing.

Link, on the other hand, was having great difficulty. He was trying to put words together in his head, but whenever he said them, they came out wrong. Thus he constantly had to restate things.

Link was also afraid of Linda's reaction. It seemed as if she was taking things in stride. Yet the way she was polishing that sword and humming, it looked as if she was preparing it to take its next victim. Link checked his right hand. There it was, the mark signifying that he had the Triforce of Courage. Apparently it was merely courage to fight evil beings, not courage to stand up to a woman's wrath.

Linda stood and Link moved back slightly. She sheathed her sword, picked up her shield, and walked off calmly, as if Link was not even there.

The Hero of Time wondered about that, so he decided to do something truly courageous. He followed Linda, now bugging her about whether or not she was upset.

**Returning to Dark and Oni!**

Dark glanced sideways at Oni. "Want to follow them?"

"I wouldn't miss this for the world." They both came down from their high perch and began to stalk the pair of Link "twins."


	2. Never Take Advice from Demigods Either

**Disclaimer: **Check Ch1 if you didn't read it already.**  
**

**No Advice from War Demigods, Either**

Oni swung, his sword arcing through the air. . . and through its target. He relished the sight of blood spattering in many directions and the sound of flesh being cut. This was the best feeling ever. Well, according to him.

Link came over, raising an eyebrow. "Why do you chop meat like this?"

Oni turned from the sliced deer, grinning. "It's the only way I can get sword practice these days. It shouldn't disturb you, does it, Hero of Time?"

"Nah."

"You look distracted," Oni mentioned as he continued slitting the deer into manageable pieces. "What's on your mind?"

"It's Linda. She hasn't been listening while I try to tell her that I don't care about her at all."

"Oh really? And who told you to do that?"

"...Dark."

Oni chuckled. "I think I can help you with your problem."

"Really? How?" Link looked up, only to see a sword coming for his neck. His reflexes kicked in and automatically his shield came up, the sword crashing against it. "What the heck was that about, Oni?"

"Catch her off guard," Oni said with a smirk. "Take her by surprise so that she would be too confused to remember to ignore you."

Link slowly lowered his shield. "I guess that would work-"

Suddenly Oni reached over and encircled his arm around Link's neck, nearly choking him in a headlock. "And if she still refuses to listen, pin her down. Force her to listen to you! Wrestle her into accepting what you have to say!"

Link coughed a little, causing Oni to let go of him. "I _really_ don't like how you give advice."

"Hey, you're the one who asked for it."

"Are you sure this would work? How do you know so much about this in the first place?"

"I don't. Yet, the saying goes: beggars can't be choosers."

"Right..."

Linda picked up a towel and shouldered it. Afterwards she picked up some soap and shampoo. This will surely drive Link away, if only temporarily. Linda needed a shower anyway.

Link had his eyes closed. He was trying to elaborate on his earlier haphazard 'confession' of his disinterest, but at the moment he was too afraid of seeing Linda's reaction - hence the closed eyes. The only way he could still follow Linda around was by following the sound of her footsteps.

Linda headed out of her home, not paying attention at all to what Link was doing then, and proceeded to go to the Lost Woods. The shortcut to Lake Hyrule within that forest was perfect for baths, especially since Linda had installed a shower curtain there and plugged the shortcut last month. The reason she gave for stopping up the shortcut was that Ruto wouldn't be able to sneak in on Link, although in reality she just wanted to avoid trekking over to Zora's Domain for a little shower. The soap and shampoo she had were biodegradable (or at least that was what the label said) and thus wouldn't harm the environment.

Link kept his eyes closed, following every step Linda took. _'I have to make Linda understand,'_ he thought as he took a break from talking. _'Dark says if I don't make sure she understands clearly what I want to tell her, she will continue bugging me for the rest of my life. I'm not sure if I trust my shadow about this, but he knows more about this stuff than me. I hope.'_

Linda sighed as Link launched into another long speech. _'I'm nearly to the spring but Link isn't leaving! I can't tell him to go away, or even turn around and look at him - those are forms of attention. I don't want to give him any kind of attention, positive or negative; that'll just ruin the purpose of me ignoring him. So all I can do is pray to the goddesses that he will stop following me by the time I get there.'  
_  
**Meanwhile...**

Dark peered from around a tree trunk, a mischievous glint in his red eyes. "Ooh, this will be fun."

Oni glanced at the completely blackened copy of Link with a raised eyebrow. "Oh? How so? It looks absolutely pathetic and sappy to me."

Dark clicked his tongue. "Oni, can't you see the potential in this? We can screw with their _minds_. Think of it as a game if you will."

"I only play war games."

"You're boring, you know that?" Dark said, glaring at Oni.

"Depends on how you look at it."

Dark returned to observing the romantically challenged duo, a thoughtful smile creeping to his face. _'That's fine. I can use this to my advantage all by myself.'_

**Back to the unlikely couple!**

Linda stepped into the shower curtains, passing into the spring. Link, hearing Linda step into water, opened his eyes and noticed what was going on. He swallowed hard, trying to think.

_'Is she pretending to be bathing just to ignore me? If that's the case then maybe... well, Oni's advice...'_

Link took a few steps back, then to Dark's delight, he leapt into the shower curtains. Linda shrieked. Link tried to talk some more. Linda's yells overpowered Link's voice. Suddenly Dark could hear a struggle, so he assumed Link was trying to follow the second half of Oni's advice - to pin her down and force her to listen to him. Linda continued to accuse Link of trying to take advantage of her and finally managed to propel Link outside of the curtains.

Link sped off like a shot.

Dark pounced in right after Link disappeared into the woods, and afterwards regretted it terribly.


	3. Never Ask the Princess for Help

**Disclaimer: **I don't own Zelda or McDonald's. Nor croissants. Yum. 

**Never Ask the Princess for Help**

Linda was still upset about the "encounter" several days afterwards. Link tried to apologize but every time he approached her, she would run off somewhere. This put Link into an ever more confused state as he attempted to think about what to do next. Unfortunately, the Hero of Time - despite rescuing the princess more than once - had _no_ clue how to deal with women. The only thing he could think of to do was to gather advice... again. The past few days suggested against it however.

He sat on a stump, completely stumped, head in his hands, mumbling to himself a promise to never get married. The sun shone down on the miserable man, who seemed to be the only one with problems amidst the fun, happy day the Kokiri were always having. 

Dark, with a pink umbrella shading his head, casually walked over to Link. He had noticed Link's distress and figured that this was the perfect time to offer some more advice - the kind of advice that would give him opportunity to grab Linda for himself. "Hey, hero! This is too nice a day for you to be gloomy," Dark greeted.

Link looked up slightly, noting a certain pink object. "Why do you have an umbrella? It isn't raining."

"With your mood, it might as well be. Actually, I'm keeping myself out of the sun. Don't you know all black is the worst color to be in the summer?"

"I thought you can't get hot. You're just a shadow."

Dark seemed to visibly droop at the shadow comment. "That's not the point."

"And why pink?"

"I borrowed it from Princess Peach?"

"Oh wait," Link said, remembering Dark's cross-dressing phase. "Never mind, I figured it out."

"You had something bothering you when I came over. What was it?"

"Could you put away that silly umbrella first?" Link was staring at it, disgusted as he was by the pink thing.

"But I'll roast."

"That's the least of your worries. Get rid of it."

Dark shrugged, closed the umbrella, and tossed it backwards. "There." He sat down beside Link's stump. "Rupee for your thoughts."

**Meanwhile...**

The umbrella flew through the air and somehow managed to shoot into Deku's snout. It plugged the mouth (or whatever it is) completely, so Deku flailed about, waving his hands and trying to speak. He tried to pull the umbrella out to know avail; it was lodged firmly in the snout. 

Zora watched Deku's antics, quite amused. "Looks like your dirty mouth finally got what was coming," he commented, referring to Deku's habit of cursing often.

The short scrub turned to glare at Zora, then charged. The fish-person leapt up and ran away, somehow imagining that he could be impaled by the umbrella handle.

**Returning to Dark and Link...**

The original Link detailed the whole mess he had created merely by taking advice from two specific individuals. He mentioned that he wanted to straighten things out but had no clue how to go about doing so. He did not want to lose Linda's friendship but at the same time he did not want to imply that he wanted to have a deeper relationship. 

When Link finished showering his current problem to Dark, he stated, "Not that you could do anything about it."

"Actually, I think I have an idea what you could do."

"Dark... last time I took advice from you, it ended in a disaster."

"No, Oni's advice was the one that caused the problem. Mine would've worked if Linda wasn't ignoring you."

Link considered this. It seemed true enough. If he hadn't taken Oni's advice and tried to force the truth on Linda despite her apparently bathing, then things might not have turned as badly as they did. Dark's advice didn't seem to cause any problems of note. "Fine. What do you suggest?"

"Have Zelda take care of the problem."

"What can she do?"

Dark rolled his eyes, although it was hard to see. It seemed that Dark merely widened his red eyes and tilted his head up slightly. It unnerved Link that there appeared to be no pupils, and sometimes he imagined that Dark could move the glowing red spots around. _'Eyes on the back of the head indeed.'_

"Come on Link, don't play dumb with me. I know you're smarter than that."

"I'm being serious. I don't see how that snob of a princess can help me."

"Follow me on this. You want Linda to leave you alone, right?"

"Uh, yeah."

"So you want a restraining order put on her."

"A what?"

"Something that orders her to stop harassing you. Now, who's the only person powerful enough to order anybody to do anything... or in this case, _not_ to do something?"Link brightened a little as the concept dawned on him. "Princess Zelda."

"Exactly! Just head over there and ask her to order Linda to leave you alone - basically, you're going to ask her to put a restraining order on Linda. Problem solved."

"Um, Dark? Problem. Would this affect our friendship?"

Dark thought fast; he really wanted to convince Link that this idea was perfect. "Not really. Linda would be upset for a few days but she'll be fine with it eventually. It'll just keep her from messing with you, that's all."

Link nodded. The whole thing seemed reasonable. "Alright. Next time Zelda calls me over, I'm going to do what you say."

Right on cue, as if she could hear them from her lofty castle, Zelda's voice rang out Link's name. It conveyed a sense of urgency.

Link stood and casually looked over in Zelda's direction. "Coming, coming..." he said as he headed out of Kokiri Forest, looking as if he was about to go sight-seeing rather than princess rescuing.

Dark smirked as he watched Link leave. _'Perfect! When Zelda orders Linda to have no interactions with Link, I can take her easier. Then I can continue to manipulate this until... well, she's mine. Perfect.'_

The shadow stood and turned, noting the chaos in the background. Deku had finally managed to take the offending pink umbrella out of his mouth and was proceeding to beat Zora with it. Kokiri were gathered around as Oni yelled at Deku suggestions on how else to use the umbrella for punishment.

Junior shook his head and sighed as he watched the scrub. "At least this time it's not Oni doing the beating."

**About an hour later...**

Or perhaps two, Link sauntered into Zelda's throne room and found it empty. Shrugging, he started to stroll throughout the castle, searching for Zelda, sure that there was no real emergency. He followed the sound of her voice whenever she yelled his name, which was practically every minute or so. Eventually he discovered that she was one of several conference rooms in the castle, looking quite miffed at having to wait for so long. Several sheets of paper were spread before Zelda, and a few plates of some snacks were also on the table. Prince Zeldon of Lorule was sitting next to her, holding a document and staring wide-eyed at a third presence in the room. Link noted that Ganondorf was within the room as well, and he appeared to be just as impatient as the princess. Link waved at all three and asked, "So what's the emergency?"

Ganondorf gawked at the question. "I'm _standing here_ and you ask a silly question like _that_?" he roared, wondering what had gotten into the hero.

Link nodded. "Yeah, you're standing there. Not kidnapping anyone yet, or threatening to blow up Hyrule, or... whatever you have in mind."

"Take over Hyrule. Why would I blow up a country I want to take over?"

"It's something different than the same old thing over and over. Gosh you're so uncreative." Thinking that was the end of that, Link turned to Zelda. "What are you doing?"

"Negotiating a peace treaty," Zeldon answered before Zelda could say anything.

"If you don't mind, I'm talking to my princess here. Butt out, boy."

Zeldon half-rose out of his chair. "How _dare_ you talk to a prince-!"

"So Zelda, a peace treaty huh? I thought we already had one," Link continued, ignoring the irate prince.

"Not really, just an understanding that we weren't going to invade one another until a treaty was made," Zelda responded while trying to pull Zeldon back into his chair.

"Oh, that makes sense. Anyway I wanted to ask you something-"

"_Hello?_ Evil dark sorceror over here? Could do horrible things in the next few seconds!" Ganondorf yelled.

"You stay out of this too. I'm trying to have a conversation here!" Link snapped back.

"You're the goody two-shoes Hero of Time! You're supposed to stop danger!"

The green-clad Hylian, instead of responding, merely turned and resumed his talk with Zelda. "Anyway, where were we before I was so _rudely_ interrupted?"

"You were about to ask me something," Zelda said as Zeldon leapt out of his chair.

"I will not stand for being disrespected in such a manner! I am a _prince_ for Zephyr's sake!"

"Hush! Me and princess talking here!" Link huffed. "Gosh what's this world coming to where people interrupt others' talks?"

"So what were you going to ask me Link?"

"It's about me and Linda. You see-"

Ganondorf snatched Zeldon by the back of his overly elaborate robe and drew his sword. "Hey, pay attention to me! I'm about to slit this guy's throat!"

Zeldon started yelling obscenities at everyone in the room plus a few others while Link continued. "She seems to be bothering me a lot lately, especially for attention I don't want to give, you know what I mean?"

Impa and her male Lorulian counterpart, Imp, jumped at Ganondorf as Zelda nodded. "So she's smitten with you like every other girl in this country?"

"She's insane about me, apparently, and I can't stand it anymore!" Link yelled as Imp wrestled Zeldon from Ganondorf's grasp. Impa took away his sword.

Zelda sighed, "I knew it."

"Well of course. You've got that Triforce."

Ganondorf's Triforce of Power at that moment seemed to finally kick into effect as he snatched Zeldon back, tossing Imp into the wall - and making quite a large dent. Impa took the opportunity to stab at Ganondorf with the sorceror's own sword.

"Yeah, the Triforce of Wisdom. Thank Nayru I have it - I don't know what I could have done without it. Being nearly omniscient comes in handy sometimes."

"Easy for you to say. Having almost no fear seems to tick Oni off."

Impa sailed right over Link and Zelda's heads, casting a shadow over them for barely a second. The Kokiri-wannabe frowned, "You better call the electrician. I think your lights flickered for a second there."

Imp didn't seem fazed at his spine contacting the wall at high speeds, since he charged at Ganondorf again. Zelda, fully aware of what was going on, chuckled. "Um, sure. I'll do that."

Ganondorf used Zeldon as a weapon, swinging him at Imp to ward him off. Impa leapt over the conference table, determined to not be left out.

"So you've got an issue with Linda having a strong romantic interest in you. What do you want me to do about it?"

"Hey, you're the 'omni-scent' one. You should know."

"It's _omniscient_, Link."

"Whatever, same thing no matter how you pronounce it."

Ganondorf's sword sliced into Impa's arm with enough force to make her slide to the other side of the room. Luckily (or unluckily?) the room's floor was recently waxed in preparation for the conference, so Impa slid easily. Imp bulldozed into Ganondorf, pushing them both towards the window.

"Yes it does matter. By any rate, my omnisciency does not include mind-reading."

"I thought you knew everything."

"Not everything, just almost everything."

"How much is _almost_ everything?"

"I can't tell you that!"

"So that's another thing you don't know then?"

"More like you can't measure it!"

"Don't argue; just admit it. You don't know exactly how much you know and don't know."

"Fine, let's leave it at that," Zelda stated as she heard her window shatter into millions of pieces.

Link heard it as well, as evidenced by his next statement: "I think you'll need to call someone to fix that too."

Zelda smiled, "I'll do that after you tell me what you want me to do."

Ganondorf hung by one hand from the windowsill as he held Zeldon with the other. He started to chuckle as he looked downwards to locate Imp. The chuckle stopped as soon as it started because he discovered that Imp was two floors below him and already climbing up to the next one. Ganondorf uttered a curse. The Lorulian Gerudo was coming in quickly, so the Hylian one would have to act fast.

Link meanwhile seemed oblivious to it all. "Alright, Dark told me that you can order Linda to- Uh, Impa? Shouldn't you get that arm looked at?"

Impa staggered to the windowsill, holding her blood-soaked arm with her hand in an attempt to cover the wound. "I must do my duty, even if it's the prince of another land."

"Okay, have fun!" Link said, turning back towards Zelda. The princess wasn't so happy with the prospect, however.

"Impa, go get your arm fixed _now_!" she ordered, but was a tad too late. Zeldon went flying back through the window and into Impa. They slid across the waxed floor out the still open conference door. Ganondorf was now free to use both hands to get onto the windowsill but by then Imp had latched firmly onto his pants. Ganondorf growled and tried to shake off the pest, yet Imp kept climbing up the villian, determined to reach the window first.

Zelda watched Impa slide out of the door. "I hope she'll get that arm examined. Looks like it'll need stitches."

"Stitches hurt like crazy. I once had to get some after rescuing you that one time, remember Zelda?"

"Oh yeah. You complained for days afterwards and kept using them as an excuse not to run me a few errands."

"It's not an excuse. There was real, legitimate pain involved!"

"And a real, legitimate disrespect for authority was involved also," Zelda flatly stated.

"Disrespect? I would never disrespect anybody of authority."

During this nonsensical yapping, Zeldon and Impa continued sliding and went down a flight of stairs. At the bottom Impa hit the floor first so Zeldon landed on her. The prince blinked and looked about. "Well," he commented, "I never actually _rode_ a woman before."

Impa coughed. "I would have a few choice words for you right now if I didn't have self-control. Now could you please get off?"

Zeldon apparently didn't hear her. "Wow what a ride! It was a little rough and scary at first but smooth sailing after that!"

Impa had no choice (in her mind) but to endure his weight and his continued monologue.

Back in the conference room, the princess of Hyrule tried to bring her conversation with Link back on track. "Anyway, I am to order Linda to do something. What is it?"

"Oh yeah. I want her to- hey, what are these?"

"Croissants," Zelda answered. "Try some."

"Don't mind if I do," Link replied as he bit into one. "Hey these aren't half bad."

"Don't talk with your mouth full. Didn't your mother ever teach you that?"

"No mother."

"Oops. Forgot."

At that time Ganondorf crashed into the table, breaking it in half. Several plates of food along with dozens of papers scattered around the room - one croissant went out the busted window. Link and Zelda, having noticed Ganondorf coming in from the corner of their eyes, had wisely moved away from the table before it cracked. Imp stood on the windowsill, the bright sunlight illuminating him from behind as he panted from the effort of not only climbing but also throwing. He hopped down and walked over to Ganondorf, who remained unmoving. Imp brought forth a stick out of nowhere and began to poke the King of Evil with it to determine his status.

"About Linda," Zelda patiently said.

"Oh, oh yeah." Link swallowed the remains of the croissant. "Could you tell her to leave me alone? At least, for a little while? A guy's gotta get his space every now and then."

"Sure, I can do that."

"You're a lifesaver, Zelda!"

"I never thought you'd ever say that to me."

"You sure don't know a whole lot then, since you didn't know I'd say that."

"It's not like I can see into the future willingly. I just get visions out of the blue!"

"Hey, why don't you try to get a vision right now about what I'm having for dinner? If it's some of Dark's cooking again I'm gonna stop by McDonald's before going home."

"Link, I told you a second ago that I can't call visions up anytime like Ganondorf could raise the dead any day he felt like it!"

On cue, the infamous villian opened his eyes and grabbed at Imp's throat with one fist, lifting him off the ground as he rose from the wrecked table. "I am getting tired of you, little worm," Ganondorf intoned as his other fist became engulfed in furious purple flames. "Gerudo or not, you will die!"

Imp closed his eyes and waited for the blow, since he could do nothing now except pray to the goddesses.

The blow never came.

Imp dropped to the ground, gasping for desperately needed oxygen as Ganondorf turned to see who dared strike him from behind.

It was Linda, and she was _far_ from happy. Link and Zelda had fallen silent when the female version of the Hero of Time entered the room at full speed, Biggoron Daggers in each hand.

Ganondorf and Linda, both of whom utilized dark energy, stared at one another for what seemed to be an eternity. Ganondorf was the first to break the silence.

"That didn't hurt."

"Stuff it. You mess with Zeldon, you mess with _me_," Linda growled, ready to strike again when an opportunity arises.

"Why does everyone have an attitude today? First Zelda tries to order me out of this castle, then Link tells me to shut up and now you, the little girly Link. Why did you come here anyway?"

"I had a feeling to come here, then when Zeldon told me about you trying to kill him..."

"Oh I wasn't trying to kill him. I was trying to get a hold of Link's attention. He was ignoring me."

Linda was taken completely by surprise at this statement. She gave Link a quick curious glance before returning her attention to Ganondorf. "I know the feeling."

Zelda's voice cut through the air between the two. "Alright kiddies, break it up. Linda, I want to talk to you. Come here."

The woman didn't move. She stared at Ganondorf, daring him to make a move, any move.

Zelda sighed and rubbed her forehead in frustration. "Ganondorf, could you tell her you won't attack her while her guard is down? I want to get this overwith."

Ganondorf nodded and gave Linda a strange little smile. "Alright, I swear I won't hit you while you're not looking, okay?"

Linda backed away towards Zelda, then when she was satisfied with the distance she turned to face the princess. "What now?"

"Oh not much. I merely wanted to banish you from the country forever, that's all."

It took a full three-and-a-half minutes before the statement registered completely in Link, Linda, and Ganondorf's minds. "_WHAT?_" they shouted simultaneously.

Linda took the query a step further. "What for? I didn't do anything wrong! ...At least in this country I haven't!"

"You are a threat to the well-being of Hyrule nonetheless. You terrorized Lorule and can as easily do so here. I never did like the idea of you coming into my country claiming to be a changed person, because you never did renounce the darkness within you. You still are able to use the Dark Arrows and that concerns me, because that means you are treading the fine line between good and evil and are leaning towards Ganondorf's side. I cannot allow two villians to be in this area. These reasons in themselves were not good enough to kick you out however so I watched you for any sign of treachery. Now Link has complained to me about you, and that is enough for me. You are hereby banished from this country, Linda, never to return."

Ganondorf smirked. This was turning out to be quite an interesting circus for him.

Link gawked still. He was attempting to put together how all this came about from his simple request.

Imp, unaware of the events transpiring around him, praised the goddesses for his ability to breathe.

Impa was being tended to by the royal physician.

Zeldon was with her, wincing at the stitches. "Those gotta hurt."

Zelda was content now that her duty was done.

Linda was _outraged_. The sentences she said afterwards were littered almost every other word with every curse word invented. To paraphrase her speech, she accused Zelda of bias against Lorule plus a number of conspiracy theories, defended herself in saying that there was absolutely no reason for any complaint from Link, claimed that she knew nothing about renouncing the dark energy she had, pointed out Ganondorf as the real threat who should be banished, and declared revenge on everyone in the room - excluding Imp.

Ganondorf couldn't resist pointing out one flaw. "I was officially banished once. I violated that by coming back in because frankly, I don't care what the princess says."

Linda snatched Ganondorf's sword and slammed it onto the ground with all the force she could muster, snapping two-thirds of the blade off. She picked up the blade and threw it at Ganondorf. "Take that (bleep) and shove it up your (bleep)!" she yelled.

Ganondorf looked at it. "That would _hurt_."

Linda twitched. Zelda looked to see Link cowering behind herself, fearful of his doppelganger's anger. Link peeked out to make one remark: "Linda, I didn't really complain. I just asked Zelda to-"

"Wait, so you _asked_ for this? That's it, _you will die first_!" Linda thundered as she leapt out of the broken window, unwilling to hear any more.

Zelda nudged Link, who was actually whimpering with fear. "Look on the bright side. She didn't kill you yet."

Ganondorf agreed. "I'm actually looking forward to seeing her again. It'll probably be fun."

Zelda pointed at the window while glaring at the Gerudo King. Ganondorf headed to it, mumbling, "Fine I'll go..." as he jumped out.

Later that day, Link shuffled into his room. Dark bounced over to him, carrying a plate of unrecognizable brownies. "Hey, Link! How'd it go? Did it work?" he asked cheerily.

"Yeah it did."

"YES!" Dark cheered.

Link drooped a little more. "A little too well."

Dark's happiness fled immediately, replaced by concern for his thought-out plan. "Wait, what do you mean by that?"

"She's gone, Dark. Zelda banished her."

The plate crashed to the floor and Dark slid to his knees. "No! My chances with Linda are ruined!" he cried out in a very cliche fashion.

Link eyed him. "Are you saying... that all this advice you've been giving me... was all a _trick_ to get you together with Linda?" he stated in monotone.

"To tell the truth, yep. But now that it fell through the cracks... no hard feelings right mate?"

Outside, Oni perked up at the sound of a blood-curdling scream. Dark sped out of the treehouse with Link directly behind him. Oni noted the murderous look in Link's eyes and figured out that Link was finally displaying the hot temper and accompanying bloodlust from which Oni's own personality sprang. Oni's version was much stronger of course. The demigod observed Dark's frantic attempts at eluding the Hero of Time and stated only one observation:

"Isn't that usually _me_ doing that?"


	4. Epilogue

**Note: **This chapter leads into a rewritten _Minora's Mask_. I tried to balance out any seriousness with a nice dose of humor (or insanity). Have fun reading and reviewing.

**Disclaimer: **I don't own Zelda or sugar cookies or the royal croissant. Bow before it!**  
**

**Epilogue**

Ganondorf dragged his feet as he entered his dark, looming home. He grumbled various things in different languages as he contemplated what happened recently (last chapter). Koume and Kotake meanwhile barreled down the hallway straight at their favorite adoptive son. Never for one moment considering that Ganondorf was busy, they simultaneously tackled him, sending him backwards to the floor. As the witches cooed ridiculous praises to their son, Ganondorf wondered how he could forget the welcoming committee. Those annoying, wrinkled women were probably last in line when receiving any kind of gift from the goddesses. All they were good at were conducting fire and ice spells, and even then the lack of accuracy was maddening.

Ganondorf stood up, one "mother" clinging to him on each side, and headed for his personal library. That area in particular was usually very peaceful. There, Ganondorf can think over what had gone wrong. He had done things like usual, or did he?

Step one, infiltrate the princess's castle. _'Check.'_

Step two, make presence known to princess. _'Check.'_

Step three, threaten to do some extra-horrible deed in order to get her to call for the hero. _'That was a little different. All I did was show up, and she was already screaming Link's name. So the threatening was left out.'_

Step four, wait for hero to arrive. '_Check_, _though it took long enough.'_

Step five, argue with hero over the morality of the extra-horrible deed. _'Now this was where things started to screw up. Instead of immediately reacting to my great and mighty presence, Link had chosen to ignore me - heck, Link got snappy about my bid for attention. That was strange._

Have I lost my intimidation factor? Am I no longer a threat?'

Ganondorf shook his head. It couldn't be. Link couldn't have possibly demoted him from _threat to the safety of Hyrule_ to _mere inconvenience_... could he?

"What's the matter sweetie?" Koume chirped. "You look distraught."

"Yes, yes, distraught. What's on your mind?" Kotake chipped in.

Ganondorf ground through clenched teeth, "Currently, getting you two off of me. You're weighing me down more than my thoughts at the moment."

"Aww, but we _love_ you!"

Ganondorf plucked them off and dropped them in front of him. "Shoo. I've got stuff to do, and I don't want to be bothered by overbearing mothers."

"What kind of stuff?" Kotake asked innocently.

"What kind, what kind?" Koume echoed.

"Villian stuff. The usual, you know. Stuff that you two can keep your long noses out of."

That comment caused the witches to immediately try to look at their own noses, causing their bulging eyes to cross. Ganondorf chuckled and opened the door to his sanctuary. The fun was quite short-lived however since the witches' counterparts - Fuego and Hielo - were sitting in the middle of the library examining several ancient texts. Ganondorf's right eye twitched as he inquired, "What in Din's name are you two doing here?"

"Researching!" they immediately responded.

"Researching _what_?"

"Cookies."

"Oh dear Din... COOKIES?" Ganondorf repeated, his eye twitching more now.

"Yes, cookies. We want to make sugar cookies without sugar. We gotta watch for your health you know."

"You _can't_ make sugar cookies without sugar!"

"I bet there's a way, so we're looking for it."

Ganondorf rubbed his forehead. This can't be happening. The day was turning into a nightmare. In fact, the past few days have been constant nightmares. Make that the past few weeks.

"I need a vacation," he mumbled as a headache quickly grew.

"Ooh, ooh! Did we win a cruise?" Fuego perked up.

"Are we invited?" Koume hopped up and down excitedly.

Hielo looked up from his book. "Where are we going?"

Kotake shouted, "We're going on vacation!"

Ganondorf shoved his mothers into the library and shut the door behind them, locking it. "No, you four are _not_ invited! I am going on this trip alone."

He stormed down the hallway, determined to get out and away from the general area of the four magical idiots. _'I hear Termina is nice this time of year...'_

**Over at Kokiri Forest...**

Dark had disappeared.

Link looked high and low for the Water Temple's mini boss, yet enlisting Oni's help didn't produce results. The shadow was not in Kokiri Forest.

The Hero of Time checked in Linda's house and found it totally bare. She had taken all of her stuff. On the contrary, Link noted that Dark had left all of his eclectic junk behind.

_'Oh well, he'll be back... unlike Linda,'_ Link thought to himself as he flopped onto his bed, stomach down. Lizzie, sensing that Link was not his usual self, walked to the bed and laid her draconic head beside him.

"Yink in troubie?" she asked while nudging Link lightly.

"No, Link's not in trouble," he replied, petting her. "Just... Linda got banished from Hyrule, and I think it's my fault."

"So Yink sad."

"Uh-huh, and Link doesn't know why. Linda's gone, so what? She was an annoying girl who bugged me to no end."

"You know, they say that you never know what you have until you lose it," Zora cut in, stepping into the room. "Am I interrupting anything?"

"No..." Link sighed, staring straight ahead at nothing while still petting Lizzie.

"Go after her, Link."

"What?"

"Bring her back. Nothing will be the same without her around."

"But Zelda..."

"Forget her. Just bring back Linda. She's part of the family of Links, after all."

"Alright, there's a problem with that. I don't know where Linda went, and I doubt Zelda will tell me using her Triforce."

"Oh. Well, if you ever run into her, bring her home," Zora suggested.

Link nodded. "Sure thing. IF I find her."

**At the castle...**

Remember that croissant that flew out of the window last chapter?

It was caught by a poor person, who celebrated. He knew he could feed his family for a week with that.

But he did something _better_.

He _sold_ it. For a large amount of money, because it fell out of a castle window. That makes it a _royal_ croissant.

The person who bought it put it in a glass box. Then she invited all of her friends to come and gaze upon the croissant's royalness. It even got its own little fancy crown.

The poor person who sold it ended up buying a nice farm and a "Farming for Dummies" book. Then he made a ton turning the farm into a water resort when he found farming as a boring lifestyle.

His family lived happily ever after.

**Now, return to the castle...**

Zeldon tried to organize the papers strewn about the wrecked conference room. Zelda sat in her chair, watching him scramble here and there, finding that task a waste of time.

"Zeldon," she stated.

"Huh?" he asked, looking up so suddenly that he slipped on a few pieces of paper. "What is it, Your Highness?"

"Don't bother picking up the papers. They won't be necessary."

"Aren't we negotiating a peace treaty?"

"I've decided there _won't_ be such a treaty. Associating with your country is more likely to bring more problems than benefits."

Zeldon rose to his feet. "You know that if there's no treaty, that leaves me open to attacking your country mercilessly, right?"

Zelda kept her tone even despite the threat. "I'll take that risk gladly. Leave now. You are no longer welcome here, like Linda."

"Fine. Come on, Imp. We've got other business to tend to." Zeldon turned on his heel, exiting through the conference door. Imp was right on his heels despite being injured from the fight with Ganondorf.

Zelda suddenly dropped her calm composure. "I hate being the boss sometimes. Now I've got to deal with a potential attack!"

"Don't worry about it. Zeldon seems like an incompetent ruler compared to you," Impa said as she entered the room, holding her still painful arm.

"That's true," Zelda said, smirking.

**Meanwhile...**

The royal croissant continued to be admired by all. It obtained a scepter, robe, and a little throne. The people of Hyrule considered making it their new ruler. It was royal enough, after all. Don't you think so?


End file.
